Win or lose ? – My personal Game theory of relationships

How do we decide if it is a win or loss ? This is another dumb characteristic we show all the time. In most of the affairs we always try to measure the outcome in terms of the game theory. This is probably the single-most important reason for so many failed or miserable marriages around us (I consider myself so lucky to have and to get so much love to and from my wife for the last 14 years, not considering the 4+ years of affair we had before that). It is a strategic view that the other party also has a big stake and unless forced, they also do not want to rock the applecart. Everyone wants to be happy, in their own way, and therefore has at least an equal stake as you or more. If you can’t control your ego, you deserve counseling, not a trophy.

The questions are pertinent. Do we really lose or win when one lets the other win ? Do we really win when we go for the kill and then realize there is no cup to loot, that has been destroyed in the fire of the war ? Do we really lose when every strike I make on her, my soul writhes in pain, turning and twitching in the grave ? Do we lose when you let her win, masquerading your real intent to lose, putting up a brave fight that was designed to lose - with the glory and that fantastic smile at the end of it ? Remember that you do not have to really lose every-time as your partner, if equally drenched in proper attitude and strategy in life, will try to do the same and often you can humbly accept the win without even losing the medal ribbon. In theoretical calculations, you can expect to be served with it half of the time. In empirical formula, if you are a guy, expect to have it once in 5 times.

It is strange that how most of the parents could see life from a close quarters as to try to teach their children the value of fair competition rather than trying to win (you must become the “first” – is what they tell while trying pouring the curse of their own failures in the small shoulders). They don’t teach how to be a good loser, how to be majestic in losing, most importantly, the distinction of the business and the personal (I will dwell on this topic another day), which shows the different facades of life and how to handle them. Success does not mean you have to win everywhere. The biggest strategy in relationships, which is probably the most important possession in life, is to be very empathetic to other people, their wants, likes, dreams, happiness, disappointments, despairs, frustrations – every feelings. You must understand that everyone is carrying his own cross and they need your encouragement and help, if possible, not your sarcasm and cynicism. Things, more often than not, does not go right with them and they simply cannot be at their best self all the time. Somebody who can lay her life for you, can be rude to you at times, when the time is not right. It is a nice habit never to judge other people. You must weigh their actions, surely, but putting yourself at his shoes. Ask yourself how would you have reacted if you were under the kind of pressure she is in ? In relationships, you should have a nonchalant aloofness to the smalls and slights. Carry on with all these things with an outsider approach. Do not remember the day your mother died “ or was it yesterday ?”. Fight only on important issues, that too giving out a long long rope. Ask yourself whom are you fighting with ? Use the wooden practice swords, this is not a gladiator fight. And never, I repeat, never ever bring the old issues. It brings a bitterness that is difficult to heal. Choose your words. They can create or open up wounds that no doctor can heal. In any fight, in any relationship, never cross a line that is forbidden – that can hit the relationship itself rather than the issue at hand.

This was my standard strategy for a long time. In relationships, I love to lose and invariably feel every-time like having the big shining medal on my own craned neck. The strategy comes in the way you lose. You must not show that you wanted to lose in any case. You must put up a brave fight, but always fire with the empty rounds, always using the shining tin sword, the blunt side of it and give the match away. The charade gives away the love and care with which you deal with your beloved people. You don’t have to molest a nice girl who has spent hours in trying to make herself even more beautiful, but give her an appreciating glance at the least. It will be a lethal blow of insult if you didn’t even try.

Lastly, this is not an universal truth. After you cross the sacred line of 95%, there is a different me waiting – the King lording over his undisputed areas with brutal firepower and ruthless personal force. There is no lion queen, no innocent cubs, no loyal ministers, no obedient subjects who are immune from the inflexible rule of the heavy sword in this small but absolutely private territory. The limit applies to anybody and everybody. After you draw the line with enough clarity and ruthless passion, take my word that you won’t have to even unsheathe your sword very often. They will know. In response to a question from an important relative (just became one, by way of a marriage in the family) of ours about how I am, my wife replied (translated) “like Shiva. very cool & serene, jolly and rarely gets angry – but when he is, doesn’t even care for Yama”. When she reported this later, I knew that even a strong-willed lady like her, will not cross the line when she sees one.