Expectation Management - a key to survival

We all have our expectations – from everything and from everyone. When they are not met, we have disappointments and when they are exceeded, we break into ecstacy. Going between these two extremes, we lose the control on our feelings. Have you ever thought of balancing your expectations against what is reality and what you actually deserve, so that you don’t hit the wall on either side ? Do you give a serious thought to what other people expect from you and how to you go about meeting those ?

When I was in College, one day some of us were chatting and the discussion veered to the expectation of one from his spouse. One girl excitedly talked about the nasty attitudes of men in general. I asked her to narrate her expectation or rather wishes about the qualities of her dream man. I made a list, a cameo, in my diary while she went on. It was like this (my comments in the bracket) :
• Tall dark handsome (bullshit, “fo guck” yourself in the mirror)
• Rich (like an industrialist or his son)
• Highly educated (like a scientist)
• Glamorous – optional (like Salman)
• Loves luxury (like corporate Bosses)
• Powerful (like the IASes)
• Kind and considerate (like Mother Teresa)
• Humorous (like Mehmoud or Bhanu)
Rest are all optional, like regularity in life (like a Professor), security (like a Govt. servant), time (like a Govt. clerk), will give me space (like a busy Doctor), will share all (like a henpecked housewife)

Finally I popped the golden question. Even if someone like this exists, what can he expect in her dream lady and do you deserve him ? He will also have fantastic expectations and will ask himself, when married to a geek like you, “Do I deserve her” ? So, why don’t you try to achieve, acquire the virtues that deserve these qualities from a spouse and will even command respect ? This kind of expectation often leads to an unbalanced view of himself/herself and leads to one-sided insecurity that is often the main source of sexual and emotional blackmail.

It is almost like the people (BA fail and salary 5000/-) asking for “forsha Prokrito sundori” (fair and really beautiful) girl. Expectations are often unrealistic and unfair at first, at the lack of any open and honest self-assessment, changing slowly as they grow more mature.

Expectations are powerful as they touch deep emotional chords and affect our personal dreams, agendas, values and most importantly our relationships i.e., they can control us and our feelings altogether. Usually the power of expectation is beneficial but often it can put somebody in such groovy realms of possibilities that can take away the happiness of survival. Our own unrealistic expectations are as much culprits as this is of others.

Expectation, unlike a dream or desire, often has a tendency to run away if not controlled properly. It also varies with Time, place and the Actors. Expectation varies from the same husband on after a year of marriage and after 10 years of marriage, as he has changed and the expectant has changed also. Even their relationship has changed.

Expectations are situation-dependent too. Expectation form the same husband can vary on the same day when he is reading the morning newspaper and when he has come back home after a binge of drinking with the chums.

Expectation also depends upon the state of the relationship. This is because it is also dependent on the level of fulfillment of the expectation of the person from whom the expectation is arising. A husband who is tired of non-fulfillment of his own expectations will react differently than when he had the hopes of fulfillment of them.

The level and magnitude of expectation itself varies, growing with each fulfillment and reducing with each non-fulfillment. It is a good practice in terms of survival to keep the level of expectation low initially and also not to let the expectation about you to be high in the beginning. Disappointment often comes just because of too high or unrealistic expectation. One of my ex-Bosses had been very disappointed one day when I failed to properly execute one job given to me. It was not important that the particular job was very difficult or that I was doing it the first time or that I had sincerely tried it and even probably deserved some credit for what I had done, as his expectation from me went on increasing for a long time and even was converted into a sort of reliance by the time. It was important that however good or bad I was, I failed to match the expectation.

To manage the expectation, one should try to keep some element of surprise about himself and not give away too much of information too early. If on the first day you start blabbering about your singing, the first day itself when she will hear you sing, she will most probably be disappointed as by that time she must have had built up a good level of expectation. While we should try to manage expectation mainly to cover ourselves against other’s disappointments, it is always a very valuable practice to under promise and over deliver that will lead to that WHOW or ecstacy.

It needs an open, considerate and sensitive mind to understand the expectations around him in the first place. Mostly, they remain unsaid and even covered deep down. To delve into somebody’s mind, to understand the opposite party’s need vis a vis his/her expectation, need a mind and even more, a soul. You will have to “walk a mile” or more in his/her shoes to understand the pain of that blister and what he/she thinks you should do.

Managing them is altogether a different ball-game. To manage expectation, the major steps should be to
• Capture expectation
• Monitor expectation
• Influence expectation
• Set expectation
The whole process is iterative and a journey, rather than being a destination.

To manage, one should connect to them and formally keep written dossiers of what he thinks are the expectations on him (the other party seldom talks about them, they are not dreams or desires, remember). But still communication is the key here and you try to be and stay as open and frank and honest as possible under any circumstances. This will probably help him to understand the direction all his well-wishers would want him to take and how he can handle them. For a completely dynamic and abstract substance like expectation, even this will probably help to manage up to 20% of it. best of luck